The Scallion

New Law Requires All Americans to Wear Hoodies

WASHINGTON, DC – Following the shooting last month of an unarmed Brooklyn teen who was not wearing a fashionable hoodie sweatshirt at the time, Congress has passed a law that makes it mandatory for every man, woman, and child to keep their heads properly covered with a hood.

The Hoods in the Hood Act, which President Obama signed into law yesterday, makes it a criminal offense for any person to appear in public without wearing hooded apparel. Penalties range from a $500 fine to up to a year in jail, depending on how unhip the perpetrator is and whether he or she has a prior record of walking or driving while unhooded.

"Suspiciously Uncool"
The new legislation was spurred by the nationwide outrage over the killing of 17-year-old Brandon Wilkes, who was gunned down in Flatbush by a neighborhood watch leader who claimed the young man looked "suspiciously uncool."

According to those who witnessed the shooting, the victim was tempting fate for acting so sartorially reckless. "Who walks around downtown Brooklyn with nothing on his head?" asked James Brodeur, a 28-year-old musician from Williamsburg, whose choice of headwear alternates between a vintage drawstring hoodie, porkpie hat, and baseball cap turned rakishly backwards. "I hate to say it, but the kid was just asking for it."

The man charged with shooting, 41-year-old Robert Tragar, defended his actions as self-defense, insisting he was just protecting his community. "If a person comes into this neighborhood without a hat, a hoodie, a bandana, or some kind of head accouterment, you just know they’re looking for trouble," said Tragar, a long-time hoodie enthusiast. "When you see someone like that posing a threat to style-conscious citizens, you just gotta stand your ground.”

A Hoodie Legacy
Not surprisingly, the hoodie law has sparked heated debate in Congress. "When I was a Black Panther back in 60s, we had to fight for our civil rights without the benefit of hoodies," said Hoods in the Hood's sponsor, Rep. Bobby Rush of Chicago, who was wearing a Nike high-performance Therma-FIT K.O. hoodie with reinforced seams. "Brave men and woman gave their lives so that we could wear hoodies, and we owe it their memory to carry on their legacy, fully hooded."

Opposing the legislation, Speaker of the House John Boehner addressed his fellow lawmakers yesterday: "No one in this country should have to fear for his life because they choose to remain hoodless," said Boehner, who made a bold political statement by appearing on the House floor without a hoodie.

"Government should get off our backs, and off our heads," Boehner added, promising to fight pro-hoodie advocates who vow to make required hoodie wearing a constitutional amendment.

Hoodie Backlash
While the entertainment world has embraced the hoodie movement, it hasn't been without backlash. After Spike Lee tweeted the addresses of non-hoodie-wearing grandmothers and demanded their immediate imprisonment, a group of headwear choice advocates demonstrated outside the filmmaker's Brooklyn home and called on him to "Do the right thing and shut the fuck up."

In related news, the Ku Klux Klan said it fully supports the wearing of hoods.

Blue Ivy Told Not to Look at or Speak to Beyoncé

NEW YORK – According to the New York Post's Page Six column, Blue Ivy Carter, the 10-week-old daughter of Jay Z and Beyoncé Knowles, has been instructed that under no circumstances is she to look the celebrity songstress directly in the eye, nor approach her to engage in conversation.

Beyoncé's publicist Yvette Noel-Schure defended the request, saying it was simply a measure to protect her client's privacy. "Miss Knowles appreciates the support and enthusiasm of all her fans, Blue Ivy included, but due to a very demanding schedule, she unfortunately does not have time to mingle and chit chat," said Noel-Schure, who noted the former Destiny Child star was nonetheless happy to autograph Blue Ivy's diaper upon request.

Noel-Schure added that "It's very unnerving to have someone stare at you whenever you walk into the room, even when it is time to be nursed."

Page Six also reported that Blue Ivy is forbidden from drinking any champagne other than the Jay Z–endorsed brand Armand de Brignac.

iPad 2 Remembered as Sputtering, Oil-Stained Contraption

CUPERTINO, CA – Following the launch of Apple's new iPad last week, the tech world is looking back harshly at the major defects of the gadget's predecessor, the hand-cranked, diesel-powered iPad 2, which even hard-core Luddites called backwards and lacking in basic functionality.

According to early reviews, the new device is being widely hailed as a long-overdue replacement to the severely flawed iPad 2, millions of which have been piling up in garbage cans since Apple's announcement last Wednesday.

Featuring a 3.5-million pixel "Retina display" screen and super-fast quad-core A5X processor, the iPad 3 gives users the blazing speed and high-definition resolution not possible with the rabbit ears antenna and vacuum tube innards of the iPad 2. In addition, the new iPad's clean, quiet digital operation contrasts sharply with the clanging, pollutant-spewing internal combustion engine of the previous model.

"It's shocking that Apple could have produced such an ill-conceived lemon like the iPad 2," said Chris Velazco, a writer for TechCrunch, noting the sluggish, fuel-burning machine frequently overheated and rusted easily. "It was one of Steve Jobs's rare misses—a truly epic fail—and no doubt one he wished he could have taken back."

For users saddled with the ancient apparatus, Velazco suggested the iPad 2, which Apple has renamed the EdselPad, might possibly serve as a table coaster.

Still, while acknowledging its primitive design, prehistoric construction, and antiquated analog components—including a flywheel operated by a crude rope-and-pulley system—some technology experts point out that the iPad 2 was a major upgrade from the original coal-fired iPad, which a team of archeologists recently unearthed in the basement of a Silicon Valley Starbucks.

"It's hard to imagine today, but there was once a time in history when the iPad 2 was considered state-of-the-art technology," said Jason Snell, the editor of Macworld magazine, who still remembers having to wait a good 20 minutes for the device to warm up after turning it on. "Of course, I wouldn't be caught dead with one now."

At a major media event tomorrow morning, Apple CEO Tim Cook is expected to announce that next month Apple will release the Intergalactic iPad Infinity 4X, which will replace the totally useless piece-of-shit iPad 3.

GOP Candidates Vie for Crucial “Marry, Fuck, Kill” Vote

COLUMBUS, OH - Heading into the Super Tuesday primaries tomorrow, Republican presidential candidates Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, and Ron Paul crisscrossed battleground states over the weekend competing for GOP voters who, if forced to, would would marry, fuck, or kill them.

According to the latest CNN poll, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney leads the "marry" vote with 67%. "Our numbers show that voters think Romney is too bland to either fuck or kill, which makes him the logical choice to marry," said CNN political analyst Roger Tillson, who noted that like any good marriage partner, Romney will say whatever you want to hear. "Plus, he looks just like the groom on top of a wedding cake, only stiffer."

Among "fuck" voters, former Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum dominates the field with a commanding 84%. "With his 'man-on-child, man-on-dog' sex comments, Rick Santorum has put the 'fuck' issue front and center of his campaign," Tillson said, adding that Santorum was also picking up sympathy support for looking like he could use a good fuck. "In addition, of all the candidates, Santorum makes you think of, well, santorum."

Polling the highest in any of the categories was former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, whom an overwhelming 97% of voters said they would happily kill. "Gingrich's real strength is his ability to connect with voters who want to murder him," said GOP strategist Ed Rollins. "No one motivates the 'kill' demographic like he does."

The poll also found the same 97% of voters said they would rather be killed than marry or fuck Gingrich.

Finishing at the bottom of each of the three categories was Texas congressman Ron Paul. "We couldn't find any voters who said they would either marry or fuck Paul," Tillson said. "And when showed a picture of the candidate and asked if they would kill him, the majority of voters said he already looked dead."

In related political news, President Obama announced that after marrying and then fucking the economy, he is now ready to kill it.

Puke of Hazard

Today's Horoscope
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
You've always been proud of your ability to party like a rock star, so it will come as no surprise this week when you die choking on a rock star's vomit.

Study Links Lingerie Football League Play to Long-Term Nail Damage

PALO ALTO, CA – A study of 105 former Lingerie Football League players has found that nearly 85 percent suffer severe and permanent damage to their fingernails as a direct result of injuries sustained during games. As a result of the findings, two dozen of the players have filed a class-action lawsuit against the LFL over what they call the league's emphasis on an aggressively sexy style of play.

"Our study found that players' nails are subjected to extreme impact in a number of ways, such as adjusting bra straps and garters, fixing hair after a play, and when quarterbacks drop deep in their backfield to pull out a wedge-formation thong," said Stanford University School of Medicine scientist and beautician Rebecca Bradden, the study's lead researcher. "The damage often occurs not just at the tip of the nail, but sometimes deep into the nail bed, resulting in an unsightly appearance that can require drastic rehabilitative measures, such as press-on nails."

Players with French tips are at particular risk, Bradden added.

Researchers also found that players who suffer nail trauma reported more problems applying make-up, putting on jewelry, and finding a polish color that complements their skin tone.

"The league has ignored this issue long enough, so I'm speaking out so others won't have to face what I'm now going through," said Taira Turley, a veteran linebacker with the Miami Caliente who suffered a career-ending cuticle tear last season. "Getting a manicure will never be the same."

In related news, a group of National Football League players released a statement demanding to be recognized as "real athletes" and not just a freak sideshow to the LFL.

PALO ALTO, CA - A study of 105 former Lingerie Football League players has found that nearly 85 percent suffer severe and permanent damage to their fingernails as a direct result of injuries sustained during games. As a result of the findings, nearly two dozen of the players have filed a class-action lawsuit against the LFL over what they call the league's emphasis on an aggressively sexy style of play.

"Our study found that players' nails are subjected to extreme impact in a number of ways, such as adjusting bra straps and garters, fixing hair after a play, and when quarterbacks drop deep in their backfield to pull out a wedge-formation thong," said Stanford University School of Medicine scientist and beautician Rebecca Bradden, the study's lead researcher. "The damage often occurs not just at the tip of the nail, but sometimes deep into the nail bed, resulting in an unsightly appearance that can require drastic rehabilitative measures, such as press-on nails."

Players with French tips are at particular risk, Bradden added.

Researchers also found that players who suffer nail trauma reported more problems applying make-up, putting on jewelry, and finding a polish color that complements their skin tone.

"The league has ignored this issue long enough, so I'm speaking out so others won't have to face what I'm now going through," said Taira Turley, a veteran linebacker with the Miami Caliente who suffered a career-ending cuticle tear last season. "Getting a manicure will never be the same."

In related news, a group of National Football League players released a statement demanding to be recognized as "real athletes" and not just a freak sideshow to the LFL.

Mugger Breaks Resolution to Rob Three Victims a Week

CHICAGO – Dissatisfied with his history of mugging people randomly and without real passion, long-time felon Ray Hollich vowed he would turn his life around this year and start robbing and assaulting victims more consistently and with a greater sense of meaning. But barely a month into 2012, Hollich has already abandoned his New Year’s resolution to commit at least three muggings a week.

Hollich, 42, started off the year with high hopes, determined to achieve the personal-growth goals he had set for himself. The first week of January he successfully knocked down two elderly women while grabbing their pocketbooks and punched a man in a wheelchair, stealing his wallet. Hollich showed the same single-minded focus in the second week, during which he choked a young woman from behind and snatched her purse, pushed a man down a set of stairs and ran off with his laptop, and pulled a knife on a cab driver and robbed him of $350.

By week three, however, Hollich’s motivation started to lag, and he managed only to pickpocket an iPod from a subway passenger’s bag and take a coat left unattended in a Starbucks. By last week he was barely able to find the get up and go to steal a six-pack of beer from a neighborhood deli. As of yesterday, after five straight days without an assault or theft, Hollich conceded he just didn’t have it in him to make the self-improvement changes he had hoped for in 2012.

Not surprisingly, Hollich’s inability to stick to his mugging resolution after only a month has left him disappointed in himself. “I followed the tried-and-true advice of setting specific, measurable goals, such as ‘Mug three people a week,’ and not broad, vague ones like ‘Commit more crime,’” said Hollich, who taped inspirational sayings to his refrigerator and tracked his mugging progress in a journal. “I didn’t want to set myself up for failure by getting overly ambitious and trying to rob somebody everyday, so I picked a realistic goal that I thought could achieve.”

“I really thought I had more willpower than this,” Hollich added dejectedly while tossing a copy of Tony Robbins’s “Awaken the Giant Within” on the coffee table. “But it’s hard to stay motivated and go out and mug someone when you’re tired or stressed out, or when it’s cold outside and you just feel like sleeping in and playing “Call of Duty” on a stolen PlayStation.”

Although he has abandoned his mugging goals, Hollich said he is still sticking to his resolution to eat more fresh fruits and stop biting his nails.

Stall Tactics

Daily Dispatch
SAN FRANCISCO – As part of its pledge to follow energy-efficient practices, the Rawhide Rider bar on the corner of 16th Street and Mission announced it has installed low-flow toilets in three of its glory hole stalls.

Driving While Texting Puts Messages at Serious Risk, Study Says

BLACKSBURG, VA – A ground-breaking study on mobile communications has found that operating a motor vehicle while texting leads to vastly higher incidences of misspellings, poor grammar, mangled syntax, and hard-to-decipher messages.

“Our research shows that the majority of texting errors happen because drivers take their eyes off the screen to look at other cars, signs, stop lights, and traffic conditions,” said the study’s lead researcher, Lawrence Yardley, who added that driving during phone use can also cause accidents in other areas, such as emailing, tweeting, FarmVille, and Words With Friends. “It may seem like you’re looking at the road for only a split second, but that’s all it takes to type the wrong word or hit send before the message is completed.”

Slow Reaction Times
The study, conducted by the Virginia Tech Transportation Institute, also found that texters who take their hands off their phones to fiddle with the steering wheel have much slower reaction times for responding to incoming messages while also impairing their ability to write an email or post a status update.

According to the National Texting Safety Board, more than 53,000 confusing or incomplete messages are transmitted each year by people when driving, and another 36,000 sexually explicit photos are sent to the wrong recipients because the sender was distracted by steering, braking, or watching the car in front of them.

Alarming Numbers
“These are alarming numbers that could be easily avoided if people did not get behind the wheel while texting,” said NTSB chairwoman Deborah Hersman. “Ask yourself if it’s really worth the risk of sending an embarrassing message or photo all because you have to drive right then and there.”

In an effort to reduce the number of mobile communication errors, 12 states currently require people who text or email in their vehicles to use hands-free driving devices that allow them to securely hold their phones with both hands at all times. In addition, the NTSB recommends placing mobile devices in a position where you can always see their screens and paying close attention to your phone’s reception.

Lost Signals
“If you’re looking down the road instead of focusing on your digital connection, you can lose your signal before you know it,” said Hersman. “And if you’re in the middle of uploading a photo to Facebook or sending an Instagram, that’s a situation you want to avoid at all costs.”

“Mobile device users who ignore these common sense safety measures are a hazard to the digital community,” Yardley warned, comparing the behavior to drinking while texting. “We can’t emphasize enough just how dangerous it is to operate your phone while under the influence of a car.”

Bigger, Louder News

Editorial Note: To accommodate our visually impaired readers who also suffer from hearing loss, The Scallion’s large-print edition is now available in extra-loud volume.