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Daily Dispatch
SAN FRANCISCO – As part of its pledge to follow energy-efficient practices, the Rawhide Rider bar on the corner of 16th Street and Mission announced it has installed low-flow toilets in three of its glory hole stalls.

Driving While Texting Puts Messages at Serious Risk, Study Says

BLACKSBURG, VA – A ground-breaking study on mobile communications has found that operating a motor vehicle while texting leads to vastly higher incidences of misspellings, poor grammar, mangled syntax, and hard-to-decipher messages.

“Our research shows that the majority of texting errors happen because drivers take their eyes off the screen to look at other cars, signs, stop lights, and traffic conditions,” said the study’s lead researcher, Lawrence Yardley, who added that driving during phone use can also cause accidents in other areas, such as emailing, tweeting, FarmVille, and Words With Friends. “It may seem like you’re looking at the road for only a split second, but that’s all it takes to type the wrong word or hit send before the message is completed.”

Slow Reaction Times
The study, conducted by the Virginia Tech Transportation Institute, also found that texters who take their hands off their phones to fiddle with the steering wheel have much slower reaction times for responding to incoming messages while also impairing their ability to write an email or post a status update.

According to the National Texting Safety Board, more than 53,000 confusing or incomplete messages are transmitted each year by people when driving, and another 36,000 sexually explicit photos are sent to the wrong recipients because the sender was distracted by steering, braking, or watching the car in front of them.

Alarming Numbers
“These are alarming numbers that could be easily avoided if people did not get behind the wheel while texting,” said NTSB chairwoman Deborah Hersman. “Ask yourself if it’s really worth the risk of sending an embarrassing message or photo all because you have to drive right then and there.”

In an effort to reduce the number of mobile communication errors, 12 states currently require people who text or email in their vehicles to use hands-free driving devices that allow them to securely hold their phones with both hands at all times. In addition, the NTSB recommends placing mobile devices in a position where you can always see their screens and paying close attention to your phone’s reception.

Lost Signals
“If you’re looking down the road instead of focusing on your digital connection, you can lose your signal before you know it,” said Hersman. “And if you’re in the middle of uploading a photo to Facebook or sending an Instagram, that’s a situation you want to avoid at all costs.”

“Mobile device users who ignore these common sense safety measures are a hazard to the digital community,” Yardley warned, comparing the behavior to drinking while texting. “We can’t emphasize enough just how dangerous it is to operate your phone while under the influence of a car.”

Bigger, Louder News

Editorial Note: To accommodate our visually impaired readers who also suffer from hearing loss, The Scallion’s large-print edition is now available in extra-loud volume.

Jesus Christ Finishes Distant Fourth in Iowa Caucuses

DES MOINES, IA – Despite high name recognition, broad popular support, and an extensive following of churchgoers and religious organizations throughout the state, the Lord Jesus Christ came in a disappointing fourth place in the Iowa Republican caucuses yesterday, lagging behind non-deity candidates Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, and Ron Paul.

With only 12% of the vote, the Lord’s poor finish came as a surprise to political pundits, who predicted that Iowa’s influential evangelical delegates would boost Jesus as the GOP front-runner. “Our exit polls indicate that among voters who describe themselves as born-again Christians, only 9% voted for Christ himself,” said Republican pollster Bill McInturff, who noted the Savior lost support among social conservatives for not taking a strong stance against immigration and gay rights. “Christ just could not compete with Santorum for right-wing voters.”

“Plus all that talk about how it’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter heaven definitely hurt him with high-income earners,” McInturff added.

Another factor that played against the Son of God, McInturff said, is that although people won’t admit it to pollsters, some voters are reluctant to vote for a Jewish candidate.

According to top officials in the Republican party, Christ’s unexpected fourth place finish all but dooms his chances of winning the presidential nomination. Said GOP strategist Ed Rollins: “At this point, he needs a miracle to rise again in the polls.”

Rollins did add, however, that Jesus still remains a viable candidate for Vice President “if he cools it with all that ‘help the poor’ rhetoric.”

Finishing near the bottom of the Republican contenders was Texas Governor Rick Perry, who many political analysts believe crippled his campaign with a major flub at the last GOP debate. When asked to name the member of the Trinity he was running against, Perry replied, “Well, there’s the Father, the Holy Spirit, and let’s see, the um . . . the third one, I can’t. Sorry. Oops.”

Weighing in on the Republican race, Donald Trump questioned the legitimacy of Christ’s candidacy, saying his virgin birth did not take place in the United States.

Harold Camping Predicts Year Will End December 31

OAKLAND, CA - In a revelation he claimed came directly from God himself, former Family Radio president and broadcaster Harold Camping boldly predicted the year 2011 will end abruptly following the final moments of December 31, never to be experienced again in this lifetime.

“After the last second of the thirty-first day of the month of December, the Year of Our Lord 2011 as we know it will end suddenly and decisively for all of eternity,” said Camping, who explained the time of reckoning will occur in successive waves around the globe.

As part of his prophesy, Camping described a doomsday scenario in which a large, brightly lit spherical object descends upon a massive crowd of trapped spectators, who watch helplessly as the year terminates once and forever. 

Based on the uncanny accuracy of Camping’s previous end of times predictions, media networks throughout the world will provide extensive live coverage as the moment approaches, even going as far as to count down the final seconds before it all goes down.

“If Camping is correct and the year ends when he says it will, we want to capture the moment as it happens,” said Fred Nichols, a spokesman for MTV, which will devote an entire show to the apocalyptic event. “It’s frightening to think that this really could be it for 2011, but if it’s going to happen, we might as well milk it for all the ratings we can.”

For his part, Camping declined to say what exactly will come to pass after the fateful ending, explaining that it is all part of God’s plan. “While we cannot know with certainty what year lies beyond this present finite one, our Almighty Creator has already determined who among us will experience the rapture of beastly hangovers and failed resolutions,” he said.

Camping did warn, however, that the end of the year will be followed by deafening noise, a plague of kisses, and corporate-sponsored bowl games of biblical proportions.

War on Christmas Declared Unwinnable

WASHINGTON, DC – A coalition of secularists, humanists, atheists, pagans, heathens, infidels, anti-Christs, and miscellaneous non-believers announced today they were conceding defeat in their decades-long battle against the religious celebration of Christmas.

“We’ve fought long and hard to destroy the fanatical forces that insist on making this holiday about Jesus,” said Thomas Ward, a Godless communist who heads a group called Crush the Crèche. “But after millions of lives lost and billions of dollars spent, we’re no closer to eradicating Christ from Christmas."

Although the anti-Christmas movement can point to some successes, such as the “Just Say No to Nativity” and “Put the ‘X’ Back in X-mas” campaigns, in the end it was not able to gain significant traction in stripping the holiday of its religious meaning.

“We simply don’t have the manpower or resources to wage an open-ended war to win the hearts and minds of a subjugated people,” said Leonard Sommerson, an implacable foe of Christmas who loathes cute angel ornaments with a passion. “The tyranny of faith has blinded the masses to the insidious nature of peace and good will toward men.”

Meanwhile, pro-Christmas groups rejoiced at the announcement. “Our soulless enemies have finally realized they cannot stop people from celebrating the true meaning of Christmas,” said the Rev. Norman Tinsley, author of the book Jesus Is My Secret Santa. “God-fearing Americans will not be denied the comfort and joy of Christmas shopping.”

In a change in strategy, Christmas haters announced they will regroup and declare war on Kwanzaa.

Obama Surprises General at White House Secret Santa Party

Criticism Over Occupy Wall Street Bonuses

NEW YORK –  In the midst of a struggling economy, stagnant unemployment, and a shrinking middle class struggling to make ends meet, members of the 99% are coming under fire for the hefty Occupy Wall Street bonuses they received while encamped at Zuccotti Park.

“It’s obscene what they received—just obscene,” said Paek Jung, a dry cleaner who works across the street from the privileged perch where protestors luxuriated for more than two months this fall. “I’m busting my ass working 12 hours a day, six days a week, yet they’re the ones who got cold pizza, lukewarm water, and unhygienic accommodations, all tax free.”

Critics blasted other Occupy Wall Street bonuses, including complimentary sexual assaults, courtesy thefts, and the occasional use of soap.

“The average person trying to hold down a job and feed their family doesn’t enjoy the same benefits the top 99% does,” said Susan Correll, who heads the group “Occupy Occupy Wall Street. “We’re calling for protestors to return their ill-gotten gains to the people who are forced to live outside of tents and who don’t access to human microphones.”  

In response to the criticism, Occupy Wall Street leaders say protestors earned their windfall this year by providing work for thousands of New York City police officers and sanitation workers, as well keeping the manufacturers of pepper spray and billy clubs in business.

“Our drain on public resources and tax payers' money is invaluable to the cash-strapped local economy,” said Alan Beirne, who received more than a dozen pairs of white socks for his work at Occupy Wall Street. “We single-handedly revived the American tradition of standing up for what you believe in and expressing it as incoherently as possible.”

In related news, executives at Goldman Sachs said they were donating a portion of their $10 billion bonuses this year to the Wall Street Wildlife Fund to save endangered vampire squids.

School District Implements -1 Tolerance Policy

ADAMS CITY, CO – Calling their previous zero tolerance policy “too lax,” administrators for Colorado’s Adams County school district have adopted a new -1 tolerance program in which students are forbidden from engaging in offensive, harmful, or dangerous thinking.

“Given the temptations young people face today, prohibiting them from drinking, taking drugs, and having sex is simply not enough,” said Adams County Superintendent of Schools Franklin Tuttle. “To prevent delinquency, we have to clamp down on their thoughts because thoughts leads to words, words lead to behaviors, and behaviors lead to heroin-addicted alcoholic pregnant teens.”

“If we remain vigilant, we will hopefully reach a point where students are thinking very little or not at all,” Tuttle added.

Under the new program, Schools Teaching Radical Intervention to Combat Tolerance, or STRICT, students are required to submit daily reports of their thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. Entries are then matched against a database of words and images possibly linked to violent, anti-social, or self-destructive behavior. First-time offenders—there are no repeat offenders—must appear before the STRICT board of teachers and administrators and undergo mandatory negative-tolerance training, after which they are expelled.

“The training teaches them what they should have already known, and the expulsion ensures they‘ll never not know it again.” said Northglenn High School principal Richard Jaskey. “Zero tolerance will no longer be tolerated.”
 
“This is not three strikes and you’re out, or even one strike and you’re out,” Jaskey added. “If you’ve even thought about a strike, you’re out before you get up to bat.”

While parents and teachers have embraced the new policy, students have voiced uncertainty. “I understand the need for rules, but restricting thoughts seems a little harsh, especially now that we’re in high school,” said 15-year-old sophomore Jaden Hollings, who was immediately suspended for using the word “high.”

When asked about Adams County’s new -1 tolerance program, William Bowlen, superintendent for the neighboring Mapleton School District, which has a -3 tolerance policy, scoffed, “I can’t believe the shit they let kids get away with over there.”

Hard Core, Limp Review

Correction: Due to an editorial oversight, yesterday’s review of “Anal Anarchy 2: Tushy Terrorists,” contained a number of factual errors: The pivotal triple-penetration scene takes place on a kitchen countertop, not a pool table; the actress in the scene is Loxxy Fuxxx, not Chanel Staxxx; Ms. Fuxxx has a tattooed labia, not a pierced clitoris; and our critic gave the movie only 1½ hard-ons, not three. The Scallion apologizes to readers who viewed the movie based on our review and failed to get aroused.