CUPERTINO, CA – Following the launch of Apple's new iPad last week, the tech world is looking back harshly at the major defects of the gadget's predecessor, the hand-cranked, diesel-powered iPad 2, which even hard-core Luddites called backwards and lacking in basic functionality.
According to early reviews, the new device is being widely hailed as a long-overdue replacement to the severely flawed iPad 2, millions of which have been piling up in garbage cans since Apple's announcement last Wednesday.
Featuring a 3.5-million pixel "Retina display" screen and super-fast quad-core A5X processor, the iPad 3 gives users the blazing speed and high-definition resolution not possible with the rabbit ears antenna and vacuum tube innards of the iPad 2. In addition, the new iPad's clean, quiet digital operation contrasts sharply with the clanging, pollutant-spewing internal combustion engine of the previous model.
"It's shocking that Apple could have produced such an ill-conceived lemon like the iPad 2," said Chris Velazco, a writer for TechCrunch, noting the sluggish, fuel-burning machine frequently overheated and rusted easily. "It was one of Steve Jobs's rare misses—a truly epic fail—and no doubt one he wished he could have taken back."
For users saddled with the ancient apparatus, Velazco suggested the iPad 2, which Apple has renamed the EdselPad, might possibly serve as a table coaster.
Still, while acknowledging its primitive design, prehistoric construction, and antiquated analog components—including a flywheel operated by a crude rope-and-pulley system—some technology experts point out that the iPad 2 was a major upgrade from the original coal-fired iPad, which a team of archeologists recently unearthed in the basement of a Silicon Valley Starbucks.
"It's hard to imagine today, but there was once a time in history when the iPad 2 was considered state-of-the-art technology," said Jason Snell, the editor of Macworld magazine, who still remembers having to wait a good 20 minutes for the device to warm up after turning it on. "Of course, I wouldn't be caught dead with one now."
At a major media event tomorrow morning, Apple CEO Tim Cook is expected to announce that next month Apple will release the Intergalactic iPad Infinity 4X, which will replace the totally useless piece-of-shit iPad 3.