The Scallion

Study Links Lingerie Football League Play to Long-Term Nail Damage

PALO ALTO, CA – A study of 105 former Lingerie Football League players has found that nearly 85 percent suffer severe and permanent damage to their fingernails as a direct result of injuries sustained during games. As a result of the findings, two dozen of the players have filed a class-action lawsuit against the LFL over what they call the league's emphasis on an aggressively sexy style of play.

"Our study found that players' nails are subjected to extreme impact in a number of ways, such as adjusting bra straps and garters, fixing hair after a play, and when quarterbacks drop deep in their backfield to pull out a wedge-formation thong," said Stanford University School of Medicine scientist and beautician Rebecca Bradden, the study's lead researcher. "The damage often occurs not just at the tip of the nail, but sometimes deep into the nail bed, resulting in an unsightly appearance that can require drastic rehabilitative measures, such as press-on nails."

Players with French tips are at particular risk, Bradden added.

Researchers also found that players who suffer nail trauma reported more problems applying make-up, putting on jewelry, and finding a polish color that complements their skin tone.

"The league has ignored this issue long enough, so I'm speaking out so others won't have to face what I'm now going through," said Taira Turley, a veteran linebacker with the Miami Caliente who suffered a career-ending cuticle tear last season. "Getting a manicure will never be the same."

In related news, a group of National Football League players released a statement demanding to be recognized as "real athletes" and not just a freak sideshow to the LFL.

PALO ALTO, CA - A study of 105 former Lingerie Football League players has found that nearly 85 percent suffer severe and permanent damage to their fingernails as a direct result of injuries sustained during games. As a result of the findings, nearly two dozen of the players have filed a class-action lawsuit against the LFL over what they call the league's emphasis on an aggressively sexy style of play.

"Our study found that players' nails are subjected to extreme impact in a number of ways, such as adjusting bra straps and garters, fixing hair after a play, and when quarterbacks drop deep in their backfield to pull out a wedge-formation thong," said Stanford University School of Medicine scientist and beautician Rebecca Bradden, the study's lead researcher. "The damage often occurs not just at the tip of the nail, but sometimes deep into the nail bed, resulting in an unsightly appearance that can require drastic rehabilitative measures, such as press-on nails."

Players with French tips are at particular risk, Bradden added.

Researchers also found that players who suffer nail trauma reported more problems applying make-up, putting on jewelry, and finding a polish color that complements their skin tone.

"The league has ignored this issue long enough, so I'm speaking out so others won't have to face what I'm now going through," said Taira Turley, a veteran linebacker with the Miami Caliente who suffered a career-ending cuticle tear last season. "Getting a manicure will never be the same."

In related news, a group of National Football League players released a statement demanding to be recognized as "real athletes" and not just a freak sideshow to the LFL.

Mugger Breaks Resolution to Rob Three Victims a Week

CHICAGO – Dissatisfied with his history of mugging people randomly and without real passion, long-time felon Ray Hollich vowed he would turn his life around this year and start robbing and assaulting victims more consistently and with a greater sense of meaning. But barely a month into 2012, Hollich has already abandoned his New Year’s resolution to commit at least three muggings a week.

Hollich, 42, started off the year with high hopes, determined to achieve the personal-growth goals he had set for himself. The first week of January he successfully knocked down two elderly women while grabbing their pocketbooks and punched a man in a wheelchair, stealing his wallet. Hollich showed the same single-minded focus in the second week, during which he choked a young woman from behind and snatched her purse, pushed a man down a set of stairs and ran off with his laptop, and pulled a knife on a cab driver and robbed him of $350.

By week three, however, Hollich’s motivation started to lag, and he managed only to pickpocket an iPod from a subway passenger’s bag and take a coat left unattended in a Starbucks. By last week he was barely able to find the get up and go to steal a six-pack of beer from a neighborhood deli. As of yesterday, after five straight days without an assault or theft, Hollich conceded he just didn’t have it in him to make the self-improvement changes he had hoped for in 2012.

Not surprisingly, Hollich’s inability to stick to his mugging resolution after only a month has left him disappointed in himself. “I followed the tried-and-true advice of setting specific, measurable goals, such as ‘Mug three people a week,’ and not broad, vague ones like ‘Commit more crime,’” said Hollich, who taped inspirational sayings to his refrigerator and tracked his mugging progress in a journal. “I didn’t want to set myself up for failure by getting overly ambitious and trying to rob somebody everyday, so I picked a realistic goal that I thought could achieve.”

“I really thought I had more willpower than this,” Hollich added dejectedly while tossing a copy of Tony Robbins’s “Awaken the Giant Within” on the coffee table. “But it’s hard to stay motivated and go out and mug someone when you’re tired or stressed out, or when it’s cold outside and you just feel like sleeping in and playing “Call of Duty” on a stolen PlayStation.”

Although he has abandoned his mugging goals, Hollich said he is still sticking to his resolution to eat more fresh fruits and stop biting his nails.

Stall Tactics

Daily Dispatch
SAN FRANCISCO – As part of its pledge to follow energy-efficient practices, the Rawhide Rider bar on the corner of 16th Street and Mission announced it has installed low-flow toilets in three of its glory hole stalls.

Driving While Texting Puts Messages at Serious Risk, Study Says

BLACKSBURG, VA – A ground-breaking study on mobile communications has found that operating a motor vehicle while texting leads to vastly higher incidences of misspellings, poor grammar, mangled syntax, and hard-to-decipher messages.

“Our research shows that the majority of texting errors happen because drivers take their eyes off the screen to look at other cars, signs, stop lights, and traffic conditions,” said the study’s lead researcher, Lawrence Yardley, who added that driving during phone use can also cause accidents in other areas, such as emailing, tweeting, FarmVille, and Words With Friends. “It may seem like you’re looking at the road for only a split second, but that’s all it takes to type the wrong word or hit send before the message is completed.”

Slow Reaction Times
The study, conducted by the Virginia Tech Transportation Institute, also found that texters who take their hands off their phones to fiddle with the steering wheel have much slower reaction times for responding to incoming messages while also impairing their ability to write an email or post a status update.

According to the National Texting Safety Board, more than 53,000 confusing or incomplete messages are transmitted each year by people when driving, and another 36,000 sexually explicit photos are sent to the wrong recipients because the sender was distracted by steering, braking, or watching the car in front of them.

Alarming Numbers
“These are alarming numbers that could be easily avoided if people did not get behind the wheel while texting,” said NTSB chairwoman Deborah Hersman. “Ask yourself if it’s really worth the risk of sending an embarrassing message or photo all because you have to drive right then and there.”

In an effort to reduce the number of mobile communication errors, 12 states currently require people who text or email in their vehicles to use hands-free driving devices that allow them to securely hold their phones with both hands at all times. In addition, the NTSB recommends placing mobile devices in a position where you can always see their screens and paying close attention to your phone’s reception.

Lost Signals
“If you’re looking down the road instead of focusing on your digital connection, you can lose your signal before you know it,” said Hersman. “And if you’re in the middle of uploading a photo to Facebook or sending an Instagram, that’s a situation you want to avoid at all costs.”

“Mobile device users who ignore these common sense safety measures are a hazard to the digital community,” Yardley warned, comparing the behavior to drinking while texting. “We can’t emphasize enough just how dangerous it is to operate your phone while under the influence of a car.”

Bigger, Louder News

Editorial Note: To accommodate our visually impaired readers who also suffer from hearing loss, The Scallion’s large-print edition is now available in extra-loud volume.

Jesus Christ Finishes Distant Fourth in Iowa Caucuses

DES MOINES, IA – Despite high name recognition, broad popular support, and an extensive following of churchgoers and religious organizations throughout the state, the Lord Jesus Christ came in a disappointing fourth place in the Iowa Republican caucuses yesterday, lagging behind non-deity candidates Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, and Ron Paul.

With only 12% of the vote, the Lord’s poor finish came as a surprise to political pundits, who predicted that Iowa’s influential evangelical delegates would boost Jesus as the GOP front-runner. “Our exit polls indicate that among voters who describe themselves as born-again Christians, only 9% voted for Christ himself,” said Republican pollster Bill McInturff, who noted the Savior lost support among social conservatives for not taking a strong stance against immigration and gay rights. “Christ just could not compete with Santorum for right-wing voters.”

“Plus all that talk about how it’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter heaven definitely hurt him with high-income earners,” McInturff added.

Another factor that played against the Son of God, McInturff said, is that although people won’t admit it to pollsters, some voters are reluctant to vote for a Jewish candidate.

According to top officials in the Republican party, Christ’s unexpected fourth place finish all but dooms his chances of winning the presidential nomination. Said GOP strategist Ed Rollins: “At this point, he needs a miracle to rise again in the polls.”

Rollins did add, however, that Jesus still remains a viable candidate for Vice President “if he cools it with all that ‘help the poor’ rhetoric.”

Finishing near the bottom of the Republican contenders was Texas Governor Rick Perry, who many political analysts believe crippled his campaign with a major flub at the last GOP debate. When asked to name the member of the Trinity he was running against, Perry replied, “Well, there’s the Father, the Holy Spirit, and let’s see, the um . . . the third one, I can’t. Sorry. Oops.”

Weighing in on the Republican race, Donald Trump questioned the legitimacy of Christ’s candidacy, saying his virgin birth did not take place in the United States.

Harold Camping Predicts Year Will End December 31

OAKLAND, CA - In a revelation he claimed came directly from God himself, former Family Radio president and broadcaster Harold Camping boldly predicted the year 2011 will end abruptly following the final moments of December 31, never to be experienced again in this lifetime.

“After the last second of the thirty-first day of the month of December, the Year of Our Lord 2011 as we know it will end suddenly and decisively for all of eternity,” said Camping, who explained the time of reckoning will occur in successive waves around the globe.

As part of his prophesy, Camping described a doomsday scenario in which a large, brightly lit spherical object descends upon a massive crowd of trapped spectators, who watch helplessly as the year terminates once and forever. 

Based on the uncanny accuracy of Camping’s previous end of times predictions, media networks throughout the world will provide extensive live coverage as the moment approaches, even going as far as to count down the final seconds before it all goes down.

“If Camping is correct and the year ends when he says it will, we want to capture the moment as it happens,” said Fred Nichols, a spokesman for MTV, which will devote an entire show to the apocalyptic event. “It’s frightening to think that this really could be it for 2011, but if it’s going to happen, we might as well milk it for all the ratings we can.”

For his part, Camping declined to say what exactly will come to pass after the fateful ending, explaining that it is all part of God’s plan. “While we cannot know with certainty what year lies beyond this present finite one, our Almighty Creator has already determined who among us will experience the rapture of beastly hangovers and failed resolutions,” he said.

Camping did warn, however, that the end of the year will be followed by deafening noise, a plague of kisses, and corporate-sponsored bowl games of biblical proportions.

War on Christmas Declared Unwinnable

WASHINGTON, DC – A coalition of secularists, humanists, atheists, pagans, heathens, infidels, anti-Christs, and miscellaneous non-believers announced today they were conceding defeat in their decades-long battle against the religious celebration of Christmas.

“We’ve fought long and hard to destroy the fanatical forces that insist on making this holiday about Jesus,” said Thomas Ward, a Godless communist who heads a group called Crush the Crèche. “But after millions of lives lost and billions of dollars spent, we’re no closer to eradicating Christ from Christmas."

Although the anti-Christmas movement can point to some successes, such as the “Just Say No to Nativity” and “Put the ‘X’ Back in X-mas” campaigns, in the end it was not able to gain significant traction in stripping the holiday of its religious meaning.

“We simply don’t have the manpower or resources to wage an open-ended war to win the hearts and minds of a subjugated people,” said Leonard Sommerson, an implacable foe of Christmas who loathes cute angel ornaments with a passion. “The tyranny of faith has blinded the masses to the insidious nature of peace and good will toward men.”

Meanwhile, pro-Christmas groups rejoiced at the announcement. “Our soulless enemies have finally realized they cannot stop people from celebrating the true meaning of Christmas,” said the Rev. Norman Tinsley, author of the book Jesus Is My Secret Santa. “God-fearing Americans will not be denied the comfort and joy of Christmas shopping.”

In a change in strategy, Christmas haters announced they will regroup and declare war on Kwanzaa.

Obama Surprises General at White House Secret Santa Party

Criticism Over Occupy Wall Street Bonuses

NEW YORK –  In the midst of a struggling economy, stagnant unemployment, and a shrinking middle class struggling to make ends meet, members of the 99% are coming under fire for the hefty Occupy Wall Street bonuses they received while encamped at Zuccotti Park.

“It’s obscene what they received—just obscene,” said Paek Jung, a dry cleaner who works across the street from the privileged perch where protestors luxuriated for more than two months this fall. “I’m busting my ass working 12 hours a day, six days a week, yet they’re the ones who got cold pizza, lukewarm water, and unhygienic accommodations, all tax free.”

Critics blasted other Occupy Wall Street bonuses, including complimentary sexual assaults, courtesy thefts, and the occasional use of soap.

“The average person trying to hold down a job and feed their family doesn’t enjoy the same benefits the top 99% does,” said Susan Correll, who heads the group “Occupy Occupy Wall Street. “We’re calling for protestors to return their ill-gotten gains to the people who are forced to live outside of tents and who don’t access to human microphones.”  

In response to the criticism, Occupy Wall Street leaders say protestors earned their windfall this year by providing work for thousands of New York City police officers and sanitation workers, as well keeping the manufacturers of pepper spray and billy clubs in business.

“Our drain on public resources and tax payers' money is invaluable to the cash-strapped local economy,” said Alan Beirne, who received more than a dozen pairs of white socks for his work at Occupy Wall Street. “We single-handedly revived the American tradition of standing up for what you believe in and expressing it as incoherently as possible.”

In related news, executives at Goldman Sachs said they were donating a portion of their $10 billion bonuses this year to the Wall Street Wildlife Fund to save endangered vampire squids.