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The Scallion at Large

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The Scallion: Animal, Mineral, or Vegetable?

Inscrutable headlines. Compelling fonts. Hard-hitting horoscopes.

Founded in 1775 by Revolutionary War pamphleteer-turned-profiteer Phineas J. Scullyon, The Scallion is America's misleading news source. With 58 news bureaus on all seven continents, The Scallion's unrelenting coverage of news, sports, culture, science, weddings, birthdays, and bar mitzvahs has earned it the respect of all True Americans and the wrath of evildoers everywhere. Led by crusading Editor-in-Chief/Fax Assistant Peter Scallion, The Scallion dares to go where no other publication was desperate enough to go before. Now available in Aramaic.

The Scallion is a wholly owned subsidiary of the ExxonMobil Corporation and its official corporate mouthpiece. NASDAQ: SCAL

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