The Scallion

Stall Tactics

Daily Dispatch
SAN FRANCISCO – As part of its pledge to follow energy-efficient practices, the Rawhide Rider bar on the corner of 16th Street and Mission announced it has installed low-flow toilets in three of its glory hole stalls.

Exit Strategy

Daily Dispatch
SCHAUMBURG, IL – After three months of intense training at the gym, 26-year-old Barry Valden feels he now possesses sufficient mobility, strength, and dexterity to sit in a plane’s exit row.

Cheat the Clock

Daily Dispatch
NEW YORK – Derrick Travers, 44, achieved a personal record of 3:48:17 in the New York City Marathon today after setting his finishing time back one hour for Daylight Savings Time.

Fathers Know Who’s Best

Daily Dispatch
KANSAS CITY, MO – Two men wearing the same T-shirts, Carl Baggett, 36, and Joseph Timlin, 40, were arrested after brawling over who, in fact, is the World’s Best Dad.

Flay the Flag

Daily Dispatch
MADISON, WI – Not wanting to look like an extremist, local anarchist Nathaniel Whittaker recited the Pledge of Allegiance while burning the American flag.

Foot Noted

Daily Dispatch
JACKSONVILLE, FL – After revealing his foot fetish to his date, Rebecca Molitor, 28-year-old Steven Yates explained that toe girth is more important than toe length.
 

Less McPiss

Daily Dispatch
ERIE, PA - Dennis Luongo, 34, was promoted to District Manager after the McDonald’s he manages on North Shore Avenue recorded 25% less urine on the men’s room floor for the third month in a row.

Bedroom Boycott

Daily Dispatch
ATLANTA – Still angry after an argument with her boyfriend, 23-year-old Cindy Rollins refused to rock his world by unleashing only 4 of Cosmo’s 21 naughty moves guaranteed to sizzle the sheets tonight.

No Lang Syne

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NORFOLK, VA  – Office manager Fran Tompkins changed her outgoing voice mail message to announce that due to an over-demanding work load, she will no longer accept “Happy New Year” greetings after January 17.

Sounds of Silencing

Daily Dispatch
JOLIET, IL – Disappointed that no one showed up for her talk on “How to Navigate the Dewey Decimal System” at the Joliet Public Library, head librarian Helen Babson spent the next hour shushing 10 more people than usual.

Lemon Sour

Daily Dispatch
SPRINGFIELD, MO – Ten-year-old Becky Evans announced that the lemonade she sells at her stand on the corner of Elk Street and Clover Road is made entirely from organic fair trade lemons, unlike that cheap, processed crap Jimmy Cliffords is peddling down the block.

Wash and Wary

Daily Dispatch
CARY, NC – While preparing for a dinner party she was hosting at her home last Saturday night, Olive Garden manager Rebecca Silverton posted a “Guests Must Wash Hands” sign in her bathroom.

Weed Whacked

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FRESNO, CA – After cutting third-period history class to smoke medical marijuana behind the bleachers, Westdale High School students Tim Hutchins, Dave Sampson, and Katy Brock were suspended when their tests for cancer and glaucoma came back negative.

Stuck on Youth

Daily Dispatch
BRONX, NY – Nineteen-year-old David Ramos did not realize he was keeping it real when he forgot to remove the 59Fifty sticker from the brim of his New York Yankees cap.

Head Count

Daily Dispatch
TUPELO, MS – Ruth Billingham inadvertently inflated the town’s population by listing all six of her personalities on the U.S. Census form.