The Scallion

Bigger, Louder News

Editorial Note: To accommodate our visually impaired readers who also suffer from hearing loss, The Scallion’s large-print edition is now available in extra-loud volume.

Smellbound

Editorial Note: Some copies of yesterday’s Snatch-and-Sniff edition mistakenly carried the effusive scent of sultry jasmine with hints of precious sandalwood instead of the enchanting essence of pure white blossom entwined with the whisper of Balinese patchouli. Readers who received a paper with the wrong fragrance can return their copy to The Scallion’s Aromatherapy Department for a full refund.

Toeing the Lie

Editorial Note: In next week’s edition of The Scallion, we will publish a multitude of inaccuracies, distortions, half-truths, and outright lies, some of them quite egregious. We just wanted to give you a heads up.

更多的錢少普通話 (More Money, Less Mandarin)

Editorial note: Due to the rising cost of child and prison labor, the newsstand price of The Scallion’s Beijing edition will increase to 10 yuan starting next week. The Scallion apologizes for any hardship this causes our Chinese readers.