The Scallion

Stall Tactics

Daily Dispatch
SAN FRANCISCO – As part of its pledge to follow energy-efficient practices, the Rawhide Rider bar on the corner of 16th Street and Mission announced it has installed low-flow toilets in three of its glory hole stalls.

Frozen Spheres Not Sustainable in Netherworld, Scientists Say

WASHINGTON, DC – A comprehensive study conducted by the world’s leading climatologists has concluded that due to inhospitable conditions such as intense heat and ubiquitous flames, spherical ice formations face extremely dim prospects of survival in and around Hades.

The $14 million study, which examined thousands of frozen orbs over a 10-year period, found that the icy globular constructions experienced a rapid loss of their spherical shape and tightly packed crystalline formation upon entering the realm of the underworld.

“While these white, round objects exhibited a strong, solid structure in temperatures below 32 degrees Fahrenheit, their texture and consistency quickly degraded when subjected to the harsh elements native to Hades and its environs,” said Fredrick Pallington, director of the National Climatic Data Center, which conducted the study. “There is a very low probability of their long-term sustainability in such surroundings.”

The study’s breakthrough findings has far-reaching implications for related phenomena, Pallington added. “Battles in which opposing forces use cold, compacted spheroids as projectile missiles would be extremely unlikely in  Hades and similar environments,” he said. In addition, the so-called “frost-filling expansion effect,” whereby small, frozen globules grow at an increasingly rapid rate as they accumulate mass and momentum—especially when traveling downhill—would be nullified in infernal climates. “In fact, we would expect a diminishment in their size,” Pallington noted.

In a related area of study, Pallington and his research team found that anthropomorphic figures constructed of frozen precipitation also have extremely abbreviated lifespans when residing in the netherworld. “The vast majority of our test subjects were eventually reduced to large puddles of water, frequently leaving behind only a few pieces of coal, some buttons, a carrot, scarf, and top hat,” Pallington said.

“Hell is simply not a place for those with icy constitutions,“ he noted. “Unless, of course, it freezes over.”

The scientists announced that they will next research if porcine creatures are able to achieve sustained aerodynamic loft.

BP Oil Spill Gets Its Own Reality Show

GULF OF MEXICO – Capitalizing on the Internet buzz surrounding the live video feed from the ocean floor, NBC announced today that it has signed the British Petroleum oil spill to star in a new reality series, “Gulf Gone Wild.”

The show will feature the brazen and highly controversial oil leak, now spewing an estimated 40,000 barrels a day, and center around its tension-filled relationships with fish, birds, turtles, crabs, and other marine life in the Gulf‘s ecosystem.

“We have a real sensation on our hands,” said Rich Belkins, executive producer of “Gulf Gone Wild.” “It’s got drama, conflict, heartbreak—and really cool-looking plumes of billowing smoke and oil.”

“This oil spill will be the hottest thing on TV since the Smoke Monster,” predicted NBC’s Director of Programming Robert Salinger. “God knows it’s a lot more talented than Snooki or The Situation.”

In the first episode of the series, which will air Thursday nights at 8:00, the defiant oil leak mocks BP’s “lame” Top Kill maneuver and boasts how his “big, swinging slick” will be the talk of the Gulf for years to come.

The oil spill’s agent, Dan Hotchkins of Creative Artists Agency, said NBC has committed to one season of the show so far, but he’s confident “Gulf Gone Wild” will have a long run. “My client is on a roll and plans to keep on gushing,” he said. “And there’s not much BP or anyone else can do about it.”

Hotchkins is also representing one of show‘s co-stars, Charlie, a snowy egret who in the third episode gets trapped in the oil spill’s muck along the coast of Louisiana. Charlie recently signed with Warner Bros. to star in the remake of the 1964 movie “Black Like Me.”