The Scallion

Mugger Breaks Resolution to Rob Three Victims a Week

CHICAGO – Dissatisfied with his history of mugging people randomly and without real passion, long-time felon Ray Hollich vowed he would turn his life around this year and start robbing and assaulting victims more consistently and with a greater sense of meaning. But barely a month into 2012, Hollich has already abandoned his New Year’s resolution to commit at least three muggings a week.

Hollich, 42, started off the year with high hopes, determined to achieve the personal-growth goals he had set for himself. The first week of January he successfully knocked down two elderly women while grabbing their pocketbooks and punched a man in a wheelchair, stealing his wallet. Hollich showed the same single-minded focus in the second week, during which he choked a young woman from behind and snatched her purse, pushed a man down a set of stairs and ran off with his laptop, and pulled a knife on a cab driver and robbed him of $350.

By week three, however, Hollich’s motivation started to lag, and he managed only to pickpocket an iPod from a subway passenger’s bag and take a coat left unattended in a Starbucks. By last week he was barely able to find the get up and go to steal a six-pack of beer from a neighborhood deli. As of yesterday, after five straight days without an assault or theft, Hollich conceded he just didn’t have it in him to make the self-improvement changes he had hoped for in 2012.

Not surprisingly, Hollich’s inability to stick to his mugging resolution after only a month has left him disappointed in himself. “I followed the tried-and-true advice of setting specific, measurable goals, such as ‘Mug three people a week,’ and not broad, vague ones like ‘Commit more crime,’” said Hollich, who taped inspirational sayings to his refrigerator and tracked his mugging progress in a journal. “I didn’t want to set myself up for failure by getting overly ambitious and trying to rob somebody everyday, so I picked a realistic goal that I thought could achieve.”

“I really thought I had more willpower than this,” Hollich added dejectedly while tossing a copy of Tony Robbins’s “Awaken the Giant Within” on the coffee table. “But it’s hard to stay motivated and go out and mug someone when you’re tired or stressed out, or when it’s cold outside and you just feel like sleeping in and playing “Call of Duty” on a stolen PlayStation.”

Although he has abandoned his mugging goals, Hollich said he is still sticking to his resolution to eat more fresh fruits and stop biting his nails.

Driving While Texting Puts Messages at Serious Risk, Study Says

BLACKSBURG, VA – A ground-breaking study on mobile communications has found that operating a motor vehicle while texting leads to vastly higher incidences of misspellings, poor grammar, mangled syntax, and hard-to-decipher messages.

“Our research shows that the majority of texting errors happen because drivers take their eyes off the screen to look at other cars, signs, stop lights, and traffic conditions,” said the study’s lead researcher, Lawrence Yardley, who added that driving during phone use can also cause accidents in other areas, such as emailing, tweeting, FarmVille, and Words With Friends. “It may seem like you’re looking at the road for only a split second, but that’s all it takes to type the wrong word or hit send before the message is completed.”

Slow Reaction Times
The study, conducted by the Virginia Tech Transportation Institute, also found that texters who take their hands off their phones to fiddle with the steering wheel have much slower reaction times for responding to incoming messages while also impairing their ability to write an email or post a status update.

According to the National Texting Safety Board, more than 53,000 confusing or incomplete messages are transmitted each year by people when driving, and another 36,000 sexually explicit photos are sent to the wrong recipients because the sender was distracted by steering, braking, or watching the car in front of them.

Alarming Numbers
“These are alarming numbers that could be easily avoided if people did not get behind the wheel while texting,” said NTSB chairwoman Deborah Hersman. “Ask yourself if it’s really worth the risk of sending an embarrassing message or photo all because you have to drive right then and there.”

In an effort to reduce the number of mobile communication errors, 12 states currently require people who text or email in their vehicles to use hands-free driving devices that allow them to securely hold their phones with both hands at all times. In addition, the NTSB recommends placing mobile devices in a position where you can always see their screens and paying close attention to your phone’s reception.

Lost Signals
“If you’re looking down the road instead of focusing on your digital connection, you can lose your signal before you know it,” said Hersman. “And if you’re in the middle of uploading a photo to Facebook or sending an Instagram, that’s a situation you want to avoid at all costs.”

“Mobile device users who ignore these common sense safety measures are a hazard to the digital community,” Yardley warned, comparing the behavior to drinking while texting. “We can’t emphasize enough just how dangerous it is to operate your phone while under the influence of a car.”

Sugar Water, Syrup Mixture Now Available in White Metal Container

Family Losing Hope for Rotting Banana

ENID, OK – A heavily speckled and severely soft banana decaying on a local kitchen table has lost its capacity to serve as a nutritious snack or tasty dessert ingredient, according to concerned family members who have witnessed its rapid deterioration. The sudden and irreversible decline of the once hale and hearty fruit, which only several days ago had a promising future in a pudding or a batch of muffins, has left the family with a difficult decision regarding the banana’s final hours.

An Auspicious Start
The saga began innocently enough last Tuesday, when Marianne Deming, 34, purchased the herbaceous Musa acuminata fruit, known for its distinct curved shape and rich potassium content, from the Safeway store in downtown Enid. Weighing approximately five ounces and measuring 8½ inches from end to end, the banana, harvested in Guatemala a week earlier, shared a stem with three other bananas of roughly the same size. Sporting a healthy yellow color with a tinge of green at the tips, all were at their prime, ready for the flavorful pleasures they would provide in the days ahead.

Upon arriving at the Deming home, three of the bananas were soon put to productive uses. The first was carefully sliced and mixed into a bowl of corn flakes, which Deming’s husband Tim consumed for breakfast Wednesday morning. The second was eaten for lunch the next day by the Demings’ eight-year-old son Bobby, who meticulously peeled the skin from the fibrous fruit in between slow, deliberate bites. The third banana, the undisputed star of the bunch, realized its full potential as the centerpiece of a banana cream pie, enjoyed by the entire Deming family Wednesday night.

Fateful Turn
In a cruel twist of fate, however, the remaining banana suffered the grievous consequences of a well-intentioned but ultimately disastrous decision made by its handler, Marianne Deming. At 7:32 on Thursday evening, Deming placed the robust fruit in a brown paper bag along with an apple, a common practice often employed to hasten ripening.

But what at the time seemed a safe and practical move soon proved to be the beginning of the end for the doomed banana. Trapped in the cramped, dark confines of its paper imprisonment, the helpless foodstuff began its slow but inexorable descent toward entropy.

By the time it was finally rescued from the ethylene-filled gas chamber more than 72 hours later, the formerly fresh fruit had metamorphosed into a mushy, mottled mess. “I didn’t check on it for the first day or two because I thought it would take a little while to ripen,” said a guilt-ridden Deming. “I can’t believe something like this could happen so fast and without warning. It doesn’t even leave you any time to prepare.”

Dire Situation
Fighting back tears, Deming called an urgent family meeting to inform everyone of the dire situation they now faced. “You know that I always keep a close eye on the perishable fruits—the cantaloupes, peaches, raspberries, strawberries,” she explained defensively to her husband and two children, who sat around the kitchen table starring at the nearly unrecognizable produce in front of them. “Nothing like this has ever happened before in this house.”

Knowing she had to act swiftly to salvage something—anything—from the pathetic-looking fruit, Deming quickly assessed her options. Realizing that any use of the banana that required even a semi-firm consistency was simply out of the question, Deming turned to the only viable option short of the backyard compost pile: banana nut bread.

“No one in the house really even likes banana nut bread,” said a clearly distraught Deming, working from memory of a little-used recipe her grandmother once showed her. “But at this point, but what other choice do I have?”

At press time, Deming was seen frantically greasing a bread pan and preheating the oven to 300 degrees while a horde of hungry fruit flies slowly circled the inedible blackened mass.

15 Ways to Turn Down a Hooker (Without Hurting Her Feelings)

Prostitutes are people, too, and they work hard to turn their tricks of the trade. So when a lady of the evening offers you her services, how do you politely decline like a gentleman? Some suggestions:

1. It’s not you; it’s me.
2. I think you’ve confused me with a member of Congress.
3. Let’s be Facebook friends first.
4. I already sponsor a needy prostitute in Thailand for less than the cost of a cup of coffee a day.
5. Knowing me, we’ll get into a heated debate on religion and politics and things will get ugly.
6. I couldn't handle the pressure of being anyone's first.
7. My wife always gives me a hard time whenever I bring women home from off the street.
8. I feel fat in these pants.
9. I’m still getting over the last hooker who broke my heart.
10. I’ve already maxed out my expense account this month.
11. I’d hate to rip those lovely fishnet stockings.
12. My apartment is an absolute mess right now.
13. You’re a Pretty Woman, but I’m no Richard Gere.
14. No offense, but what’s in it for me?
15. I’m no longer winning after CBS killed off my character .

Active Young Singles Survive Perfect Weekend Getaway

KENT, CT – A group of fit, good-looking, and totally chill young professionals barely survived a traumatic two days and two nights of sports, games, nature, and even a little romance at an idyllic retreat in upstate Connecticut this past weekend.

The harrowing tale began innocently enough when the six friends—three men and three women—boarded a chartered bus in Manhattan after work on Friday. They were headed for what they thought would be a reasonably relaxing, moderately enjoyable weekend at Camp Hideaway, a 300-acre resort nestled in the picturesque foothills of the Berkshire Mountains. What they were about to encounter, however, was a frightening ordeal of fun times, cool people, and every adventure under the sun.

 
Totally cool, happening young adults try to flee
the camp that has it all at one affordable price.

“My hip, athletic, and ethnically diverse friends and I were just looking to get away for a few days and have a good time,” said 25-year-old Jennifer Hughes, one of the anguished women who live to tell her story. “We were completely unprepared to meet other hip, athletic, and ethnically diverse young people looking for the same thing.”

Lured with Cold Beers, Comfortable Cabins
Shortly after boarding the bus, the friends were approached by several pretty but not slutty young women and a couple of friendly dudes wearing baseball caps turned fashionably backwards. “The guys offered us cold beers, and the girls invited us to a party they were having that night in their rustic yet surprisingly comfortable cabin,” said 27-year-old Joe Simmons. “Right then we knew we were in for trouble.”

During the approximately the 90-minute bus ride, the six friends valiantly fended off the awesome party atmosphere and frothy suds offered by the Camp Hideaway regulars, who went to really good schools with good football teams yet weren’t the least bit snobby. Upon arrival, the six slipped off the bus and tried to make their way to the clusters of classic country cabins decorating the rolling hills of the camp, which unbelievably overlooks a gorgeous private lake. They were soon intercepted by Alicia, a taut, tan group leader from Brazil or some exotic place, who welcomed them to Camp Hideaway and invited them to participate in the seemingly endless array of nighttime activities.

Toned abs and flirtatious banter
were just some of the horrors inflicted
over the perfect weekend getaway.

“We knew there was no getting around the delicious dinner with the freshest ingredients, tempting desserts, and free-flowing wine and conversation, but then what?” said Brad Kelleron, 28. “Take in the live band and dance till dawn under the stars? Get our game on for nighttime volleyball and then meet our match shooting hoops? Or hang out by a roaring bonfire complete with an acoustic troubadour, humorous storytelling, and s’mores?”

“It was a hopeless situation,” he added.
 
Displaying amazing fortitude, the six friends bravely endured an evening packed with party options, marshmallow roasting, and flirtatious bantering with attractive members of the opposite sex. “I told Deb not to give up, that somehow we would get through this and see the light of day again,” said 26-year-old Brian Curtis, who provided his friend Deborah Bennett with unstinting physical and emotional support throughout the bleak night. “I wasn’t going to let a bunch of high-energy games and entertainment take her down—not even that guy Steve giving his impressive rendition of Kumbaya.”

An Excruciating Rockin' Party
As the excruciating party that had everyone rockin’ finally ended, the friends took up residence in their clean, cozy cabins furnished with the amenities of home, only to awake the next morning to a ghastly scene of people enjoying a sumptuous breakfast buffet while recounting amusing anecdotes of the previous night’s festivities.

Things quickly went from bad to worse after breakfast when the friends were faced with an abundance of adventures and summer sports galore, including waterskiing, kayaking, rappelling down a rock ledge, golf, archery, and co-ed keg softball. “I didn’t know what was worse: shooting for the green, targeting the bulls-eye, or just plain aiming for a good time,” said Kimberly Thornton, 26. Facing an impossible decision and with nowhere else to turn, Thornton ended up on the trapeze, where the cute, muscular guide strapped her into her harness and—before she knew it—sent her soaring through the fresh, mountain air. “I just wanted to end it right then and there,” she later sobbed while learning to prepare a gourmet meal from a world-class chef with an impressive-sounding French accent.

As Thornton sunk to the depths of despair, Bennett and Hughes withstood an onslaught of Latin dance lessons, scuba classes, and yoga by the sparkling lake. “No one warned us that camp is not just for kids anymore,” said a visibly distraught Hughes after a session with a handsome dance instructor transformed her into a salsa sensation. “Yet here we were trapped on an adult vacation with childhood fun.”

The men, meanwhile, suffered through their own nightmare, including doubles tennis, hiking along wooded trails to a scenic overlook, and indulging in fine-wine tasting. “We tried mightily, but we just couldn’t avoid exploring the wilderness, working on our serve, and learning about varietal wines all in the same afternoon,” said a still-shaken Curtis. “It was a dark journey down an endless abyss.”

Battling Back
After the deeply disturbing day of healthy adventures and another brutal night of delectable meals and lively entertainment, the group of six courageously battled back against all odds and persevered for a second day. Gutting out an exhilarating water slide, creative arts and crafts, and complimentary barbecue, the beleaguered crew fought heroically but still found themselves kicking back on the lakeside deck surrounded by other fun, active singles, including Dave, who works in finance but is not a dick; Katie, that hottie totally into Brad; and Rich, a non-threatening black guy who wears T-shirts with ironic sayings. 

As the hellacious afternoon finally drew to a close, the six friends sought refuge on the bus on the ride home. They were soon besieged, however, by a bunch of their cool new friends who obviously like to play hard and travel light. “We knew if we could just endure the laid-back vibe during this final test of will we could make it through this weekend alive,” said Simmons, as he bluffed with the best in a game of Texas Hold’em at the back of the bus.

Once back in Manhattan, the friends tried to bolt from the bus but were met with a flurry of high-fives, hugs, and handshakes amid grim reminders they were no longer Club Hideaway newbies. Recovering at their Upper West Side apartments later that night, the survivors tried to make sense of the unspeakable horror they were subjected to over the past two days. Despite nearly succumbing to the perfect weekend that had it all at one low price, they realized things could have been far worse. Said Kelleron: “We were originally planning to do brunch in the Hamptons.”