The Scallion

Driving While Texting Puts Messages at Serious Risk, Study Says

BLACKSBURG, VA – A ground-breaking study on mobile communications has found that operating a motor vehicle while texting leads to vastly higher incidences of misspellings, poor grammar, mangled syntax, and hard-to-decipher messages.

“Our research shows that the majority of texting errors happen because drivers take their eyes off the screen to look at other cars, signs, stop lights, and traffic conditions,” said the study’s lead researcher, Lawrence Yardley, who added that driving during phone use can also cause accidents in other areas, such as emailing, tweeting, FarmVille, and Words With Friends. “It may seem like you’re looking at the road for only a split second, but that’s all it takes to type the wrong word or hit send before the message is completed.”

Slow Reaction Times
The study, conducted by the Virginia Tech Transportation Institute, also found that texters who take their hands off their phones to fiddle with the steering wheel have much slower reaction times for responding to incoming messages while also impairing their ability to write an email or post a status update.

According to the National Texting Safety Board, more than 53,000 confusing or incomplete messages are transmitted each year by people when driving, and another 36,000 sexually explicit photos are sent to the wrong recipients because the sender was distracted by steering, braking, or watching the car in front of them.

Alarming Numbers
“These are alarming numbers that could be easily avoided if people did not get behind the wheel while texting,” said NTSB chairwoman Deborah Hersman. “Ask yourself if it’s really worth the risk of sending an embarrassing message or photo all because you have to drive right then and there.”

In an effort to reduce the number of mobile communication errors, 12 states currently require people who text or email in their vehicles to use hands-free driving devices that allow them to securely hold their phones with both hands at all times. In addition, the NTSB recommends placing mobile devices in a position where you can always see their screens and paying close attention to your phone’s reception.

Lost Signals
“If you’re looking down the road instead of focusing on your digital connection, you can lose your signal before you know it,” said Hersman. “And if you’re in the middle of uploading a photo to Facebook or sending an Instagram, that’s a situation you want to avoid at all costs.”

“Mobile device users who ignore these common sense safety measures are a hazard to the digital community,” Yardley warned, comparing the behavior to drinking while texting. “We can’t emphasize enough just how dangerous it is to operate your phone while under the influence of a car.”

Jesus Christ Finishes Distant Fourth in Iowa Caucuses

DES MOINES, IA – Despite high name recognition, broad popular support, and an extensive following of churchgoers and religious organizations throughout the state, the Lord Jesus Christ came in a disappointing fourth place in the Iowa Republican caucuses yesterday, lagging behind non-deity candidates Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, and Ron Paul.

With only 12% of the vote, the Lord’s poor finish came as a surprise to political pundits, who predicted that Iowa’s influential evangelical delegates would boost Jesus as the GOP front-runner. “Our exit polls indicate that among voters who describe themselves as born-again Christians, only 9% voted for Christ himself,” said Republican pollster Bill McInturff, who noted the Savior lost support among social conservatives for not taking a strong stance against immigration and gay rights. “Christ just could not compete with Santorum for right-wing voters.”

“Plus all that talk about how it’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter heaven definitely hurt him with high-income earners,” McInturff added.

Another factor that played against the Son of God, McInturff said, is that although people won’t admit it to pollsters, some voters are reluctant to vote for a Jewish candidate.

According to top officials in the Republican party, Christ’s unexpected fourth place finish all but dooms his chances of winning the presidential nomination. Said GOP strategist Ed Rollins: “At this point, he needs a miracle to rise again in the polls.”

Rollins did add, however, that Jesus still remains a viable candidate for Vice President “if he cools it with all that ‘help the poor’ rhetoric.”

Finishing near the bottom of the Republican contenders was Texas Governor Rick Perry, who many political analysts believe crippled his campaign with a major flub at the last GOP debate. When asked to name the member of the Trinity he was running against, Perry replied, “Well, there’s the Father, the Holy Spirit, and let’s see, the um . . . the third one, I can’t. Sorry. Oops.”

Weighing in on the Republican race, Donald Trump questioned the legitimacy of Christ’s candidacy, saying his virgin birth did not take place in the United States.

Harold Camping Predicts Year Will End December 31

OAKLAND, CA - In a revelation he claimed came directly from God himself, former Family Radio president and broadcaster Harold Camping boldly predicted the year 2011 will end abruptly following the final moments of December 31, never to be experienced again in this lifetime.

“After the last second of the thirty-first day of the month of December, the Year of Our Lord 2011 as we know it will end suddenly and decisively for all of eternity,” said Camping, who explained the time of reckoning will occur in successive waves around the globe.

As part of his prophesy, Camping described a doomsday scenario in which a large, brightly lit spherical object descends upon a massive crowd of trapped spectators, who watch helplessly as the year terminates once and forever. 

Based on the uncanny accuracy of Camping’s previous end of times predictions, media networks throughout the world will provide extensive live coverage as the moment approaches, even going as far as to count down the final seconds before it all goes down.

“If Camping is correct and the year ends when he says it will, we want to capture the moment as it happens,” said Fred Nichols, a spokesman for MTV, which will devote an entire show to the apocalyptic event. “It’s frightening to think that this really could be it for 2011, but if it’s going to happen, we might as well milk it for all the ratings we can.”

For his part, Camping declined to say what exactly will come to pass after the fateful ending, explaining that it is all part of God’s plan. “While we cannot know with certainty what year lies beyond this present finite one, our Almighty Creator has already determined who among us will experience the rapture of beastly hangovers and failed resolutions,” he said.

Camping did warn, however, that the end of the year will be followed by deafening noise, a plague of kisses, and corporate-sponsored bowl games of biblical proportions.

War on Christmas Declared Unwinnable

WASHINGTON, DC – A coalition of secularists, humanists, atheists, pagans, heathens, infidels, anti-Christs, and miscellaneous non-believers announced today they were conceding defeat in their decades-long battle against the religious celebration of Christmas.

“We’ve fought long and hard to destroy the fanatical forces that insist on making this holiday about Jesus,” said Thomas Ward, a Godless communist who heads a group called Crush the Crèche. “But after millions of lives lost and billions of dollars spent, we’re no closer to eradicating Christ from Christmas."

Although the anti-Christmas movement can point to some successes, such as the “Just Say No to Nativity” and “Put the ‘X’ Back in X-mas” campaigns, in the end it was not able to gain significant traction in stripping the holiday of its religious meaning.

“We simply don’t have the manpower or resources to wage an open-ended war to win the hearts and minds of a subjugated people,” said Leonard Sommerson, an implacable foe of Christmas who loathes cute angel ornaments with a passion. “The tyranny of faith has blinded the masses to the insidious nature of peace and good will toward men.”

Meanwhile, pro-Christmas groups rejoiced at the announcement. “Our soulless enemies have finally realized they cannot stop people from celebrating the true meaning of Christmas,” said the Rev. Norman Tinsley, author of the book Jesus Is My Secret Santa. “God-fearing Americans will not be denied the comfort and joy of Christmas shopping.”

In a change in strategy, Christmas haters announced they will regroup and declare war on Kwanzaa.

Obama Surprises General at White House Secret Santa Party

Criticism Over Occupy Wall Street Bonuses

NEW YORK –  In the midst of a struggling economy, stagnant unemployment, and a shrinking middle class struggling to make ends meet, members of the 99% are coming under fire for the hefty Occupy Wall Street bonuses they received while encamped at Zuccotti Park.

“It’s obscene what they received—just obscene,” said Paek Jung, a dry cleaner who works across the street from the privileged perch where protestors luxuriated for more than two months this fall. “I’m busting my ass working 12 hours a day, six days a week, yet they’re the ones who got cold pizza, lukewarm water, and unhygienic accommodations, all tax free.”

Critics blasted other Occupy Wall Street bonuses, including complimentary sexual assaults, courtesy thefts, and the occasional use of soap.

“The average person trying to hold down a job and feed their family doesn’t enjoy the same benefits the top 99% does,” said Susan Correll, who heads the group “Occupy Occupy Wall Street. “We’re calling for protestors to return their ill-gotten gains to the people who are forced to live outside of tents and who don’t access to human microphones.”  

In response to the criticism, Occupy Wall Street leaders say protestors earned their windfall this year by providing work for thousands of New York City police officers and sanitation workers, as well keeping the manufacturers of pepper spray and billy clubs in business.

“Our drain on public resources and tax payers' money is invaluable to the cash-strapped local economy,” said Alan Beirne, who received more than a dozen pairs of white socks for his work at Occupy Wall Street. “We single-handedly revived the American tradition of standing up for what you believe in and expressing it as incoherently as possible.”

In related news, executives at Goldman Sachs said they were donating a portion of their $10 billion bonuses this year to the Wall Street Wildlife Fund to save endangered vampire squids.

Sugar Water, Syrup Mixture Now Available in White Metal Container

Thanksgiving Moved to Wednesday to Boost Consumer Spending

WASHINGTON, DC – In an effort to stimulate a sluggish economy and jump start the holiday shopping season, Secretary of Commerce John Bryson today announced that Thanksgiving would be held on the fourth Wednesday of November this year, a day earlier than usual.

“Getting Thanksgiving out of the way a day early frees up consumers to buy even more plastic crap, ugly sweaters, and electronic devices they don’t need and can’t afford,” said Bryson, who noted that moving Thanksgiving to Wednesday will also give shoppers an extra day to recover from injuries sustained from stampeding holiday crowds.

To take advantage of what he called “unbelievable sales,” Bryson recommended consumers wake up early on Wednesday and eat Thanksgiving dinner for breakfast so they can get to stores as soon as possible. “Your family will always be there, but that 73-inch high-def TV won’t.”

“If all goes well, next year we may merge Thanksgiving with Halloween and make the whole month Black November,” Bryson added.

In a related move, the Catholic Church announced its traditional Midnight Mass will be held at noon on Christmas Eve this year so parishioners can start praying early for relief from credit card debt.

Millionaires Occupy Billionaires

.99% Rail Against .01% at Occupy Easy Street Demonstrations

GREENWICH, CT – Protesting what they call the unequal distribution of wealth among the wealthy, thousands of millionaires staged massive demonstrations across the country this week to denounce the monopolization of greed and hoarding of privilege by the nation’s billionaires.

“The excesses of affluence belong to all moneyed Americans, not just a select few,” said Phillip Apthorp Winston IV, a spokesman for the Occupy Easy Street movement, a loosely knit group of Fortune 500 board members, hedge fund managers, financial company executives, and heirs to family trusts. “There is a growing discontent among the economically elite in this country that can’t be ignored anymore. It’s time our government started taking care of the crème and not just the crème de la crème.”

“Ninety-nine percent of the top 1% of wealthiest Americans unfairly shoulder the burden for the other 1% of that top 1%,” Winston continued. “While the uber rich are luxuriating in billions, the merely filthy rich are forced to scrape by with just tens and hundreds of millions.”

“We Shall Overcome”
Holding signs saying “We Are the .99%” and singing “We Shall Overcome," the protesters have set up makeshift villas and fully catered tents at exclusive country clubs, sprawling mansions, luxurious beach resorts, private island retreats, and other ultra-high-net-worth enclaves throughout the United States. Outside the Greenwich Hunt Club, where demonstrators formed a blockade with their chauffeured limousines, angry millionaires railed at a system they said granted them slightly fewer tax loopholes and a bit less political favoritism than those at the very top.

“We were born into the right families, went to the right schools, made the right connections, and paid off the right people,” said Arthur Ralston Pennington, IV, a 56-year-old industrialist who addressed his fellow protesters with a bullhorn while standing on the roof of his limo. “We won’t be denied our rightful share of the mega fortunes that are our birthright!”

“Whose yachts?” he shouted to the crowd.

“Our yachts!” they yelled back in unison.

Spencer A. Ruscombe, Jr., a 56-year-old real estate magnate whose assets have dwindled to less than $350 million, described the hardships he has had to endure in today’s harsh economy. “With construction of the Hamptons summer home proceeding at a snail’s pace and renovations on the Palm Springs condo on hold until the Pietra Firma tile come in, my family and I are forced to make do with just the Park Avenue penthouse and the Connecticut country home,” Ruscombe said. “I ask you: Is that anyway to live?”

Caviar Already Gone
As the demonstrations approach the end of their first week, conditions at the occupied locations have become less than ideal and are said to be growing worse by the day, according to those in the trenches. “We ran out of Almas caviar rather quickly, the Kobe beef and béarnaise sauce are almost gone, and none of the sommeliers can get their hands on a Château Lafite Rothschild Bordeaux,” said Bradford J. Ellingsworth, an oil company executive who pledged that no matter how dire the situation gets, he and his fellow protesters are in it for the long haul. “Our maids and butlers are tired and hungry, but we are deeply committed to the cause.”

Although the protestors’ demands are mixed and vague, their outrage at a political and financial system they feel is rigged against them comes across loud and clear. “All of the top spots at hedge funds, private equity groups, and investment banks are held by those with billions. Meanwhile those of us with only 8- and 9-figure fortunes are stuck as senior vice presidents, managing directors, or at best junior partners with common, not preferred, stock,” said Mather E. Northmore, Sr., a 48-year-old financier who complained that the insider deals he and his fellow multimillionaires receive on IPOs typically come with lower valuations than they deserve.

Screwed on Leveraged Buyouts
“And what’s more, our piece of the action on leveraged buyouts and hostile takeovers is a fraction of what the firm’s oligarchs pull in,” Northmore continued. “Let’s face it, we little guys are always getting screwed.”

“Just once I’d like one of those billionaire bastards to experience the humiliation of having to share a Gulf Stream II with other executives,” Northmore added in disgust.

In their defense, the country’s billionaires argue that executive bonuses grew at only 25% this past year, golden parachute packages are being taxed at higher rates than ever, and the cost of yacht fuel has skyrocketed. “Living the high life is not as easy as it might seem,” said one of America’s top plutocrats, hedge fund honcho John Paulson, who made his billions shorting subprime mortgage securities. “The protesters ought to spend a day in our shoes worrying about a competitor topping you with a bigger mansion or deciding which off-shore accounts to stash your ill-gotten gains.”

“Plundering American’s riches is not for the faint of heart,” Paulson added. “It’s only right that it be entrusted to those of us with the balls to do it.”

Khadafy, Bin Laden Join Forces in Hell

HADES – At a high-level summit in the underworld today, recently deposed Libyan dictator Col. Muammar Khadafy and former al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden signed a pact to wage war together against the United States and its NATO allies “until the flames of eternal damnation forever consume their wicked souls,” as they stated in a joint press release.

Although not on the best of terms while on earth, the two new partners in arms emphasized they had a mutual respect for each other as well as a sworn enemy in common. “I welcome my brother Muammar in our shared mission to rain death and destruction upon the evil infidels of America and its contemptible confederates,” bin Laden said at a press conference at which President Obama was burning in effigy. “I’ve long admired the Colonel’s work, especially his magnificent Pan Am Flight 103 project, so it’s a pleasure to finally shake his hand and have him on Team Allah.”

“An Inspiration”
Khadafy, still battered and bruised from the brutal beating he suffered before being shot and killed by Libyan rebels on Thursday, said he was proud to join forces with bin Laden to defeat the Western powers that supported his overthrow. “Osama has always been an inspiration to me, and I commend him for his continued fight against the American and European dogs of imperialism,” Khadafy said. “I believe I can provide the insight and strategy he is looking for. Having worked with the United States in the past, I know how to play them from both sides.”

When asked about his widely reported affection for former U.S. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, Khadafy stressed that his personal feelings for Rice did not represent a conflict of interest in his new alliance with bin Laden. “Condi’s a sweetheart, but this is much bigger than the both of us,” he said.

New Blood
Sources in the netherworld say Khadafy is just the kind of new blood Bin Laden has been looking for in his revenge mission against America. Since entering hell in May after being killed by a team of U.S. Navy Seals, the world’s former Number One terrorist has tried to recruit others to his cause without much luck.

“Osama hoped to draft some of the big-name veterans down here—Adolf, Joseph, Chairman Mao—but they all said they’re too old and too tired to come out of retirement,“ said former Ugandan dictator Idi Amin, who also declined bin Laden’s repeated requests given that the United States left him pretty much alone when he was terrorizing his country. “He ran into the same apathy with Pol Pot, Ceausescu, and Milosevic. Even Saddam and his boys said they couldn’t be bothered anymore.”

More Allies on the Way
But now with Khadafy on his side, Bin Laden predicts he’ll gain more allies when other implacable foes of the United States eventually find their way to hell. “Kim, Fidel, Mahmoud, Omar, Hugo—they’ll all be on board once they get here,” bin Laden said confidently while torching an American flag. “And the way I hear things are going in Syria, Bashar may be joining us sooner than expected.”

Bin Laden ended the press conference by saying that although it would be awkward at first, he thinks it would be “kinda weird, yet kinda cool” to one day meet former Vice President Dick Cheney.

As Earthquake Arlene Moves Out to Sea, Survivors Struggle to Put Lives Back Together

RICHMOND, VA – A category 5.8 earthquake blazed a trail of destruction along the Eastern Seaboard yesterday afternoon, disrupting lunch hours, shifting items in homes and offices, and leaving millions of terrified survivors unable to keep up with an overflow of Facebook and Twitter updates.

Earthquake Arlene, the first tremor of the season, made landfall approximately 40 miles northwest of Richmond, VA at 1:51 PM on Tuesday and traveled rapidly north, cutting a wide swath of surprise and irony. The earthquake eventually lost strength as it headed out to sea off the coast of Canada, but not before exacting a heavy toll among a normally jaded Northeast population. Early reports of Arlene’s devastating effects included swaying chandeliers, knickknacks falling off shelves, area rugs sliding across floors, and in one serious incident, beer sloshing around in a mug and spilling on a table.

“I was lying on the couch playing Angry Birds, and the next thing I knew the pillow was on the floor,” said one shaken victim, Alisa Ragosi of Bethesda, MD, whose fine china and other prized possessions managed to escape serious injury. “Luckily I was able to grab my iPad before it slid off my lap.”

Richard Ellingston, a scientist with the U.S. Geological Survey tracking the path of Arlene, said the eye of the quake traveled directly over major metropolitan areas, resulting in a massive fallout of unrelenting news coverage. “If Arlene had hit further inland, missing Washington and New York, we might have been able to avoid serious hype,” said Ellingston. “Unfortunately this thing had a mind of its own, causing many people to temporarily lose theirs.”

Although Arlene took many communities by surprise, giving them little chance to prepare, Ellingston said the tremor should not have been completely unexpected. “After all, August is the height of the earthquake season,” he noted, denying that the earthquake was caused by the rumored breakup of Will Smith and his wife Jada Pinkett.

According to Jacqueline Velma, a relief specialist for the Federal Emergency Management Agency, it could take weeks if not months before survivors’ lives return to normal. “Furniture will have to put back in place, spills mopped up, and pens and pencils returned to desktops,” Velma said. “This won’t be a quick and easy recovery.”

Of even greater concern is the psychological trauma the earthquake inflicted on its victims. “The human mind is not designed to process the enormous number of status updates that flood social networks after a natural disaster like this,” Velma said. “Our preliminary research shows that the use of exclamation points peaked at an all-time high immediately after the earthquake hit, followed by a surge in quake-related jokes and sardonic statements.”

“It will be at least a few days before we can get back to focusing on the Kardashians,” Velma added.

Not surprising, the earthquake also caused political repercussions. “These kinds of irresponsible natural disasters would not happen in my administration,” said GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry, noting that President Obama was vacationing in Martha’s Vineyard when Arlene struck. “We need a President who takes a hard line against seismic shifting.”

Responding to the criticism, President Obama said that he would urge Congress to pass strong anti-earthquake legislation. “First, however, I will direct the next quake to closely follow the path of the Texas border,” the President said. “Governor Perry will finally get the secession he's wanted for his state.”

Obama’s New 2012 Running Mate Happens to Be Navy SEAL Who Killed bin Laden

WASHINGTON – In a major change in his 2012 re-election strategy, President Obama today announced that next year he will run with a new Vice Presidential candidate, who—coincidentally, it turns out—just so happens to be the Navy SEAL who killed Osama bin Laden.

According to White House sources, the new running mate—who the President’s re-election team had absolutely no idea is an elite commando or played a pivotal role in the raid on bin Laden‘s compound—was chosen because he hails from Rhode Island, whose four solidly Democratic electoral votes are key to Obama’s 2012 victory. The unnamed Navy SEAL is also said to have been picked for his identical views to the President on health care reform, U.S. tariffs on Chinese tire imports, and the Magnuson-Stevens Fisheries Conservation and Management Reauthorization Act of 2006.

“Although we didn’t know it at the time, we have since learned that the President’s new running mate also has somewhat of a military background,” said David Axelrod, head of the Obama for America 2012 re-election committee. “But we don’t anticipate that will be either a positive or negative factor in the campaign.”

When asked about President Obama’s decision to dump current Vice President Joe Biden from the 2012 ticket, Axelrod said “Joe has been a loyal second-in-command and a trusted advisor to the President, but it’s not like he’s personally killed any terrorists.”

“Not that it would matter if he had,” Axelrod quickly added.

President Obama also announced he will be replacing his entire cabinet with his new running mate’s colleagues, who reportedly recently completed a major downsizing operation at a well-known international organization. “I don’t know much about them,” the President said, “but I hear they’re real straight shooters.”

Obama: Killing Terrorists Is “Cool as Shit”

WASHINGTON  – With a swagger in his step and a gleam in his eye, a newly confident President Obama told reporters yesterday that his directive to hunt down and kill Osama bin Laden was the “absolutely coolest thing” he’s ever done and that he was devoting the rest of his presidency to “blowing away as many terrorist scumbags as I possibly can.”

“I gotta tell you, I never knew smoking that fucking bastard would be so much fun,” the President said grinning at a White House news conference. “I just wish I hadn’t wasted half of my first term with that tedious health care crap. Putting a bullet through that madman’s skull was so much more gratifying.”

The President confessed he got a “total hard on” watching the live video feed of Navy SEALs storming the compound in Abbottabad where bin Laden was hiding and vowed next time he would be in the thick of the action. “As Commander-in-Chief, I will take it upon myself to accompany SEAL Team Six on their missions to wipe out any and all jihadist mother fuckers,” Obama said, brandishing a combat pistol he now carries with him at all times. “Why should the Special Ops guys have all the fun?”

Obama went on to say that he was putting all terrorists, dictators, thugs, and assorted “Axis of Evildoers” on notice. “Filthy Taliban lowlifes, Hezbollah and Hamas pieces of shit, those lunatic nut jobs Kim Jong and Qaddafi—they’re all dead meat,” the President said, pointing behind him to a map dotted with skull-and-crossbones marking troublemaking countries. “Tell them Badass Barack is comin’ a knockin’.”

White House Chief of Staff William Daley confirmed that the President has been spending his nights honing his terrorist-hunting skills by playing Call of Duty: Black Ops. “He puts on his camo fatigues and face paint and locks himself in the Oval Office right after dinner,” Daley said. “He’s by far the best player in the administration. Even [U.S. Counterterrorism Chief John] Brennan can’t touch him.”

According to White House sources, Obama has also been pressuring Defense Secretary Robert Gates to “dust off those nukes we’ve got in storage and start firing them up.”

“Since that arrogant prick Ahmedinejad is so interested in nuclear weapons I‘ll be happy to show him what the business end of one looks like,” the President said. “And the same goes for his Syrian fuck buddy Assad, that slimy little weasel.”

Declaring himself “judge, jury, and, yeah, that’s right, executioner, goddamn it,“ Obama said he wasn’t going to “dick around with any of that lame waterboarding shit,” adding he would single-handedly resolve the situation in Guantánamo Bay by “shoving a M16 down each dirtbag prisoner’s throat and personally pulling the trigger myself.” ACLU protestors and other terrorist sympathizers, the President taunted, “can kiss my leader-of-the-free-world ass.”

Obama ended the press conference by whipping out his dick, sticking it through a hole in his long-form birth certificate, and telling Donald Trump to “Fire this, douchebag.”

The Royal Wedding

An estimated two billion people watched the televised wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton yesterday. What were some of the highlights and lowlights?

• Sarah Ferguson is busted outside of Westminster Abbey for scalping tickets.
• Either because he's nervous or slyly demonstrating his abilities as the possible future King of England, William stutters his way through his wedding vows.
• The one millionth comparison between Kate Middleton and Princess Diana is made at 11:13 AM Greenwich Mean Time, beating the official estimated time by 22 minutes and 51 seconds.
• Christina Aguilera mangles the lyrics to “God Save the Queen.”
• The carriage procession from Westminster Abbey to Buckingham Palace is delayed while the lead horse stops to take a steaming dump.
• After their first public kiss, a beaming William and Kate proudly announce their plans to carry out the first Royal Act of Intercourse in Buckingham Palace in 50 years.
• In a startling breach of security, Helen Mirren is tossed out on her ass for impersonating the Queen.
• Victoria Beckham creates a huge scene by screaming at the DJ for refusing to play the Spice Girls’ “Wannabe.”
• In his toast to the newly married couple, best man Prince Harry drunkenly boasts of the wild nights he and his brother spent banging skanky commoner girls in “Ball-Immoral” Castle.
• Everybody does a shot whenever someone says “royal pain in the arse.”
• The Archbishop of Canterbury makes it all the way through the Electric Slide without losing his big, funny hat.
• After catching the garter, the King of Swaziland is quickly called out for not only being married but for having 14 wives.
• Everyone vomits as Prince Charles and Camilla start making out during “Last Dance.”
• At Table 4, Princess of Hohenlohe-Langenburg takes home the centerpiece after winning it in a fierce tug-of-war with the Duke of Västergötland.
• Queen Elizabeth holds up the coat check line when she can't find her ticket for her cape and crown.
• As the last guests leave Buckingham Palace, the ghost of Princess Diana puts on her tiara, pulls out her scrapbook, and plays “Candle in the Wind 1997” while letting out a slow, sad sigh.

Beautiful Blonde Murder Rate at All-Time High

WASHINGTON, DC – Following the brutal slaying of a stunning 28-year-old Brooklyn woman this past weekend, the FBI announced that the national murder rate of highly attractive young females with blonde hair has reached epidemic proportions.

“While it’s never been safe to be a gorgeous young woman around men with the potential to commit murder, it is extremely dangerous to be one now—particularly one with blonde hair, light eyes, and an amazing smile,” said FBI spokesman Edward Ferris, who stated that the murder rate of beautiful women is nearly four times that of non-photogenic females. At highest risk to be killed, Ferris said, are models, aspiring actresses, and sexually attractive women involved in steamy love affairs. Ivy League students who secretly work as exotic dancers are also much more likely to be murder victims, he added.

Ferris pointed out that the probability of a beautiful young blonde being killed in her own home increases exponentially if she is nude or scantily clad or engaging in rough sex with a man the women’s neighbors never liked.

To combat this frightening trend, Ferris called on the news media to stop ignoring such cases and give them much wider coverage, even though they don’t sell papers or attract viewers. “Let’s face it: No one is the least bit interested in the disturbing details of a hot blonde babe raped and strangled by a jealous ex-lover with a seedy past—especially if she was found bound and gagged and wearing nothing but ripped black-lace panties,” Ferris said. “But while it’s not the kind of story that will ever end up splashed on the front page of the morning paper or lead the local evening news, these incidents still must be brought to light.”

Ferris added: “Just once I’d like to see a large photo of the slain woman smiling at a happier time, perhaps at a party or posing in a bikini, with details about her very active sex life so people would know who she was as a person rather than just some anonymous murder victim nobody cared about.”

When asked about increased news coverage of plain-looking women murdered in inner-city neighborhoods, Ferris said it wasn’t necessary since those types of cases are non-existent.